i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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