My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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