Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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