my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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