my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize