My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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