"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
