I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
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Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
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I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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