Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
