you guys were way drunker than both of me
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
