Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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