mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
