I'm eating all of the evidence.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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