cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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