The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
