I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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