fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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