nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
