That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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