Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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