We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
That's how pantless uber rides happen
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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