My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
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You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
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I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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