i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
