So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
There's a naked man in my car right now.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
