dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I am available for nakedness
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
