No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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