Heybabeimwearingurpanties
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
