This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
