i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
