we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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