Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize