Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
