You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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