i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Say something about gay babies.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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