I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
