i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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