Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
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I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
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I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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