i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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