the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
