THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
