Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
