So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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