Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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