If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
