I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
