my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
