Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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