my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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