My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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