I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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