I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
