Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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