He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
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I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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