so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
